After writing a letter to my wife on our blog, I received a lot of feedback on how good people thought it was. I also heard from a few people that I should do it more often. Ideas don’t come as quickly and as often to me as they do to my wife but I will be making my best efforts to be a larger part of our blogging experience.
Tonight was much like any other night. I came home from work, played with Susanna and caught up with Rose about the day. We had dinner together and the time came to put Susanna down to sleep for the night. Usually we put her in her PJs and then help her brush her teeth and tonight was the same.
She played a bit longer and then we went back to her room. I held her on my lap and Rose read a few stories to her. We prayed together and then turned out the light. I handed Susanna to Rose so she could put her in the crib but Susanna reached back for me, desiring to be put to sleep by her daddy. I obliged. Rose kissed Susanna good night and left the room.
The next part has been a little tough for me the last couple of days. My little girl rests her head on my shoulder and rubs her eyes. She is extremely tired and I know that she will go to sleep quickly once she is in her crib. I begin to lift her up to place her in the crib and immediately she clutches at me and begins to fuss a little bit. I hold her a little longer and then make the final move. I lift her over the crib rail and she begins to cry. I know I need to leave because if I stay she will refuse to sleep for a while. I find it hard to walk out though because she wants to be with me. To be held by me. To spend more time with me.
I walk to the door and begin to exit. I look back and my baby girl is crying and reaching for me. It is hard to do but I leave and close the door. She cries for about 30 seconds and then it is quiet. She has laid herself down in the crib and is off to sleep for the night.
I leave because I know that she needs to learn to fall to sleep on her own. I leave because I know that it will be the best thing for her. Knowing those things doesn’t make it easier.
As Rose and I go through pre-field we are learning very much about God and his plans for us. I wonder if there are times when God leaves us to a learning experience. Not leaves us in the sense of goes away. I don’t leave Susanna. Rose and I are very aware of her presence in the room just down the hall. We are ready to answer her call if she needs anything at all. God leaves us to learn something. I’m sure that I cry and fuss and occasionally reach out for him. Does he shed a tear because he loves us and doesn’t like to see us in tears of our own? Does he desire to run in and fix all of our problems right away and hold us close even though letting us struggle just a bit will help us more in the long run? I’m sure the answer is yes.
God is perfect. My thoughts for what he may or may not feel are probably flawed but I think I have touched on his character. Being a parent allows us to see the relationship God has to us more clearly and I believe the things I experience as a father help me understand my Heavenly Father even more. I do hope that I will show the correct gratitude for my learning struggles and situations. Just as I love Susanna, God loves me and is doing what is best for me. Praise you LORD for your love and teaching. May I always love you and thank you as I should.